"Self, You are Grounded"

I sent myself into a time out for three hours today. I had had it with my bad attitude, moodiness and refusal to enjoy myself. I forced myself to spend an extra hour at my favorite store, Target, and then grounded myself for three hours from anything related to Crohn's and colitis.

I noticed my mood turning sour about a month ago. I'm not sure exactly what triggered my angst. Maybe the last two and a half years of doctor's appointments, bad labs, hospital runs, runs, and emotional roller coaster rides have finally caught up with me. Maybe it's Minnesota's particularly cloudy weather this time of year. Maybe it's freakin' Christmas. (Bah, humbug!) But I had the worst attitude, and it was more than likely connected to my IBD somehow.

I'd get up crankily every morning. Grumbling, I'd slap some makeup on my face, run to the bus stop and fake a smile at strangers. My day was spent complaining to myself about my job, then coming home and complaining to my ever-patient partner about my job, my health, and God knows what. I was angry, cranky, and sullen. If you've read my past posts, and you know me, you'll realize how depressed I am. Very depressed.

This morning, I was supposed to get an MRI. But my morning routine is so grounded in my head, that I totally forgot I couldn't have that delicious bagel I bought for breakfast. Oops. I called the doctor frantically, asking if there was any way I could still come in... Nope. My dad was going to pick me up for that appointment. It was an hour drive for him to come get me, an hour back home to change, and another hour for him to drive to work. I was upset, and felt guilty I made my dad drive three hours for nothing. I sunk deep into my self pity. It seems silly now, but this morning, my entire day was ruined because of that stupid and delicious bagel. I had to reschedule my appointment to Wednesday, and there is a chance my dad might not be able to come. (I really wanted him there. I may be an adult, but getting MRI's because you're sick is a terrifying thing.)

So, moodily, I lay on my bed like the drama queen I am and bemoaned how stupid I am to Holden via video chat. He just sat in his chair listening to me go on, and teased me gently. He told me I was silly for letting a bagel ruin my entire day. I didn't want to admit that he was right, but I knew I'd look even sillier if I disagreed with him. Yes, I was being unreasonable. Yes, it was silly. But that bagel was still stupid, dammit.

He got me thinking, though. I realized how childish I've been the last couple weeks. There was a time when I was thankful just to be able to walk to the bathroom on my own, and the last couple weeks, I've let the "what-if" fears sink their sharp teeth into my heart. I've let the grief of losing my health hover like a dark cloud over me. I wasn't allowing  myself to feel happy, and let my mood slide down the slippery slope of self-pity.

Sine I am relatively new to being diagnosed, mood and attitude is something I struggle with. I am naturally a highly emotive person. I feel deeply. I am sensitive, and a single word from a loved one can make me cry or make my entire day. I care deeply about what others think of me, and I am terrified of failure and imperfection. Having a chronic illness is hard enough... but a disease that makes me crap myself in front of others?

It's OK to feel sad. It's OK to be embarrassed. But it's not OK to wallow in it for days on end. Letting myself feel happy is struggle for me, because I am terrified of what will hit me next. I am afraid I'm going to get horrible phone calls from my GI telling me another medication isn't working anymore. I'm terrified I'll lose another friend. I am terrified my world is going to come crashing down again.

So as I thought about these things, I came up with a fantastic idea. I would ground myself for three hours from anything Crohn's and colitis related. It was awesome. I watched a movie, did my nails, made some delicious noodles for supper, decorated my laptop with some decals I found on my Target run, and just let me be me without colitis. It wasn't easy- IBD has taken such a hold on my life that I found myself thinking about new blog posts I want to write, or if anyone has posted any IBD related questions on Facebook I could help answer. But I forced myself to just sit and enjoy the movie without any distractions. As soon as the movie was done, I painted my nails so I wouldn't be tempted to log on and thus ruin my wet polish.

I feel so much happier. I feel... a little more like me. Colitis will always be a part of my life, but I need to find a way to balance my IBD life with my just-me life. Will my attitude always be perfect? No. Will there be days where all I do is curl up in bed and cry my eyes out about how shitty my life is? Yes. Am I always going  to be happy? Oh heck, no. This is a tough illness. But I can't let this disease control me. Starting today, I'm taking the control back from IBD.