"I'm Sorry"

"Sara, I'm sorry". I hate hearing those words from my doctor. It means something is horribly, horribly wrong. A good visit from the doctor sounds like "you're just fine, come back in six months for a check up", not "we're going to run some tests", "well, those labs came back fine, but there is one more test we want to try", "I'm going to refer you to Doctor X, I'm a little concerned", "we don't know exactly what is wrong yet" or my least favorite, "Sara, I'm sorry".

I take a medication called Humira to treat my ulcerative colitis. It's an injection I take twice a month to basically stop the part of my immune system that causes excessive inflammation. It's not a cure by any means, but it helps tremendously. Lately though... my terminal ileum and small bowel seem to hurt.

I had a doctor's appointment today and one of the things I wanted to discuss was actually going off my Humira, as I have been getting respiratory infections after taking my injection. He said I was doing very well, and he didn't have a problem with going that direction, however, there is a 40-50% chance I will flare when I  stop taking my injections. Then he had me lay down on the exam table and began pressing on my descending colon. No problem. Traverse colon, no problem. Ascending colon... HOLY SHIT. When he pressed on my small bowel, I actually rolled away and told him to stop. He looked at me for a moment and his expression totally changed to concern. I muttered something about failing to mention that my guts haven't been doing as well as I'd like and that the other day, I went ten times, nearly failing to make it the toilet.

He gestured for me to take a seat. "Sara, I'm sorry. But this would not be a good time for you to go off your Humira. I will be ordering a blood test, stool sample, and MRI. We need to check for inflammation. Hopefully, this is just IBS."

What I hear: "Sara, I'm sorry, but ulcerative colitis does not cause inflammation in your small bowel. Start praying you have IBS, because you might have Chron's at worse or a flare at next best."

Not a good day... I need a big bowel- sorry, bowl- of ice cream and a funny movie. Oh yeah. I can't eat icecream, or I'll be on the toilet 'til tomorrow night.