I Want to Be Called "Mommy": Thoughts on Having Children

Can I have children knowing I could pass my disease on to them?

Yes.

Why?


Because every child is a blessing. It doesn't matter if the child is a boy or a girl. If the child has light, dark, or caramel skin. If the child has one arm or three arms. If the child is autistic, schizophrenic, depressed, prone to anger, or is a happy child. A child is a child, and that child deserves just as much love and affection as little Henry down the street.

I've seen comments made that people with chronic illnesses should not have children, that the risk of passing on the genes for disease is selfish. I've also seen comments saying that a chronically ill person who has children is selfish in being a parent, knowing there will be days they are too weak to get out of bed.
These people sadden me. Life is a roll of the dice, a shot in the dark, a game of Russian roulette. Neither one of my parents has IBD. No one in my family has IBD. I do. As for the not being there for your children, plenty of people start out as wonderful, loving parents, but then drop out of their child's life.

It doesn't matter if a person is sick or healthy. That is not what makes a good parent. A good parent is someone who loves their child unconditionally, helps them grow, and gives them the lessons needed to have a healthy life.  There will be days when I am too ill to do much more than tell my child that they need to fix their own sandwich today, and use the TV as their baby sitter. Guess what? Even if I didn't have this disease, there will have been those days anyway, when I come down with a virus and am too ill to do anything, but that does not make me a bad parent.

There is a chance that my child could be autistic, have a drug or alcohol problem, be abused, contract HIV, or lose a leg. Everyone has a story of hurt. My child's could be IBD, but it could also be anything else. In her book IBD Self-Management, Dr. Sunanda Kane sheds some light on the likelihood that my disease would be passed on: because my partner does not have IBD, there is only a 3-7% chance that my child will also have IBD. If my partner had IBD, that number would jump to 50%, but I don't plan on marrying anyone else. Who I have is a perfectly good catch, and even if he had IBD, I'd never throw him back just because the risk climbs. Our children will be blessing, no matter what they go through, what they are born with, or the choices they make.

However, there will have to be a certain amount of planning when I do decide to have children. While life is a card game of luck, I have to play my hands carefully as I am able. I would be irresponsible to try to get pregnant when my IBD is two steps ahead of me and progressing. I have to plan carefully. I believe in playing smart, even though life is a wild, unpredictable  ruthless thing that no one can predict. I will do everything I can to make sure that my baby is healthy and happy, and that means starting life with as healthy a pregnancy as possible. I may not be a mother yet, but I am already fiercely devoted to making sure my children are brought into this world by a healthy and loving parents.

If my child has IBD, I will  grieve for their health, but I will also give them a happy childhood, complete with snowforts, the Beatles, and octopus hotdogs. I will pray late at night that they have their disease remains in remission for years, that their disease never is as severe as mine; but I'll also pray that life is kind to them, whether they are sick or not. My child may or may not have IBD. My child may or may not have any number of illnesses or sad stories, but I will give them them more love and affection than they know what to do with, and never regret that I gave them life. My husband and I will be the parents who gave that little boy or girl what they needed to rise above whatever life deals them.

Check back next Sunday/Monday for part three.