Menorrhagia is a B****

A few weeks ago, I wound up in ER, because if it's not one organ bleeding, it's the other.

The beginning of my senior year of high school (2009), my periods almost completely stopped. There was no reason for it, as far as I could tell. I certainly wasn't pregnant, and other than stomach issues that had plagued me since childhood, I seemed healthy. So what if my stomach was always too bloated to wear jeans? I wore long shirts and hoodies to cover up the fact that some days, I couldn't even button up my pants. I had this black swishy, knee length skirt I loved to wear because it was stretchy across my stomach. I could actually breathe comfortably in the skirt, and I began rummaging through my friends closet to find clothes that seemed to fit over my ever-expanding belly better. She had a lot of skirts, whereas I had always stuck to pants and jeans, which were growing increasingly uncomfortable on me.

When my mom and I went shopping for my graduation dress, I made sure it was not only black, but also comfortable around my stomach. I didn't care that it was tight around my ribs. I looked good, and the waistline was high, so it didn't cinch my now very painful stomach.

A month after graduation (2010), I had moved out of my parents house and into my grandparents to be closer to the city and hence, better schools and better jobs. I looked in the toilet one day to find the bowl was bright red. You guys know the rest! Many doctor's appointments later, and I was told that I was just having panic attacks and some minor hemmrhoidal bleeding. I ended up in the hospital for a month in 2011, nearly died, and narrowly escaped surgery.

From September 2009 to April of 2013, my body was unable to have a period, because I was too ill, too malnourished, and too underweight. Sometimes I would get very light ones, but they'd last a few days, and I might have had one or two a year, tops.

Last April, I decided to get a depo provera shot. I was healthier than I had been in a long time, but I still just didn't have any periods. After talking it over with a gynecologist, we came to the conclusion that my hormones were just wonky, and birth control might help. I'm terrible with remembering to take my medications at the exact same time every day, and a shot seemed to be pretty easy to handle. So I took it, ended up going bat shit crazy because mental illnesses and depo apparently don't mix well at all, destroyed a relationship with a friend of mine (I'm still humiliated by the things I said and did in a hormonal rage, and I've tried blocking them out of my memory) and contemplated suicide and just did  lot of risky, stupid things. Seriously, me and depo don't mix well at all. And no wonder! On top of my depression and anxiety, I've also been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This is a topic for another blog post, but long story short, I feel emotions more intensely than your average person, and it causes emotional distress for me on a daily basis. For the IBD patients who read my blog, imagine being on prednisone every day of your life. That's what it's like being borderline. Hormones can be tough on anyone, but for me, it was too much, and I'm actually very surprised that I only destroyed one relationship, didn't kill myself, only relapsed in self injury a little, didn't become an alcoholic (though people were constantly telling me to lay off the liquor) and actually kept my job. I only had one shot, but it took about three months for me to feel any sort of relief. I don't remember when I actually started feeling normal crazy and not depo crazy again. Point is, it was hell. (Hell seems to be a theme on my blog.)

Not only did depo make me destroy a relationship with my friend, it made my periods worse. Now I was just bleeding non-stop. Before my senior year of high school, I had normal periods. They hurt, made me swear off teen sex (because holy hell, if this hurt, I couldn't even imagine labor), and made me go shopping for chocolates, tampons, and movies like all the other menstruating girls at Target.
From last April to this April, I've bled almost every single day.

Mostly, it's just annoying. I wasn't really having any hormonal mood swings, just my BPD ones. It wasn't ever heavy, and since my IBD seems to pretty well manged, I didn't really care. My uterus is supposed to bleed, not my rectum, so I figured as long as my rectum wasn't bleeding, who cares?

Except my body did. I woke up one day light headed, and it only got worse over the course of a few days. I did not immediately suspect dehydration. I drink 100-200 oz. of water every day. I was first dizzy and lightheaded on a Thursday, and by the following Monday, I was so out of it, I told my manager I had to go to urgent care because I had no idea what was going on. I got to urgent care, and the receptionist looked at my symptoms, called the nurse, and I was taken back right away. I thought that was odd, because everyone else had to wait to be seen, and this receptionist spent maybe twenty seconds with me before getting a nurse. The nurse told me to go to ER. "Ah," I thought, "she's just overreacting. I'll go home and rest for a while". My urgent care clinic is about four blocks from my apartment. I got lost crossing the street when I left. I was so dizzy and confused I had no idea where I was. I didn't understand why the buses were all going the wrong way, or how to get home. It was then I realized I actually did need ER.

Two ER trips later, several bags of fluid, two ultrasounds, multiple exams, EKG's, a heart monitor, the discovery of low blood pressure and high sodium, and almost a week out of work later, we ruled out the scary stuff. My uterus isn't bleeding because of cancer, cysts, or anything like that. I don't have any diseases or infections of my reproductive organs. I'm just a dumb patient who thinks she can handle anything, and got way to dehydrated from fluid loss from a period that never stopped because her hormones are out of whack. Go, me!

I was diagnosed with menorrhagia, and I am now on low-ogestrel (the Pill) to get my hormones back under control. I hate taking hormonal birth control. I've been on the Pill now for two weeks, and while I'm nowhere near as bad as I was last year on depo, I'm still miserable. I have six more weeks of feeling extra touchy and more wound up than usual. It's like my brain is constantly on fire, and now someone is dumping alcohol in the flames.

I just want to stay away from people. I'm afraid of ruining more relationships, and I'm afraid I'm going to lose more people in my life. I'm having a really hard time remembering to take my medications at the exact same time every night, but I haven't missed any doses. My period stopped (finally!) after being on the Pill for about five days. Here's to not destroying more friendships in the next few weeks!